Sunday, September 14, 2008

Tired of it all

I'm just beat right now. Not just lack-of-sleep beat but sick-of-it-all beat. I'm just so tired and I don't know what's wrong...By most people's standards, I guess I have it easy. But that doesn't mean that life always feels easy. Most days, when I feel the need to vent, I'm confronted by other people - be they friends, family or strangers, who seemingly have it so much harder than me.... and the guilt makes me bite my tongue.

But every once in a while the day comes that I just can't hold it in anymore. It's exhausting and I'm tired. I'm tired when I'm at work and just want to go home, I'm tired when I'm at home and just want to go I don't know where...

Maybe I'm just having a bad day. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's because I feel like I have absolutely no control in my life and that is so absolutely defeating.

Maybe it's because I'm so angry at my husband right now that my head hurts and I want to cry from the sheer frustration of everything that I'm feeling and just CAN NOT EXPRESS.

Maybe that I was so weary of my daughter's incessant demands earlier that I was seriously questioning weather I should even be a mother. (Please relax - there's no need to call CFS - I've been there before so I'm sure that feeling will once again pass).

I just want to be alone. I don't know if that's just alone with my family and no house guests, or completely, totally alone for a while. All I know is that neither is going to happen any time soon and I need to cry. Or maybe scream.... but probably just cry because screaming takes too much energy.

I want my house back. I hate how messy my house is on any given day ... but at the same time feel overwhelmed and really don't have the motivation I need to change... it's depressing.

I want my husband to support me. Especially on the days that I feel like I'm being buried under the unrelenting stresses of my work or our home. I just wish he would understand and maybe just give me a hug when he can see I'm on the verge of losing it.... instead of getting his own back up and dumping another shovel full of shit on the pile. I just want to feel loved.

I know I'm not being fair to all he does around here if I complain that I feel like I have to be responsible for it all... but it's what I FEEL. And I wouldn't even feel half as burdened if I just felt a little more appreciated. If everything that matters to me or gives me pleasure isn't the first thing dumped or degraded. Why to we always save our worst behaviour for the ones we're supposed to love the most?

I want to sleep for a week right now. Bury my head and pretend none of this is happening... and when I wake up all of my company will be gone, my house will be clean, my children will be playing happily with each other and perhaps my husband will even be there with a bouquet because he remembers that a girl still likes to get flowers for no reason every once in a while.

You know, wake up with a smile that I also feel instead of just wear. Now where the hell did I put that genie any way?

That's it, I'm done. I've vented.......... I'm temped to delete this post - a dark, heavy scar on my blog.... my happy place. But if this is going to be a true memoir of me, then you'll have to take the ugly with the good... because life isn't all roses and everyone has their pile of crap to slog through too.

(I'll try to get back to our regularly scheduled programming shortly)


Anonymous said...

Oh Shannon ... I'm slogging through over here ... in my neck of the woods ... right along with you.

Does it help to know it's not just you?

Mbdiamond said...

Totally... don't hate me but I actually smiled when I read your blog ;) Misery loves company!